Web of Deceit

a tale of love, lust, desire and deceit

What’s in a Kiss?

Everything is in a Kiss.

As the song goes ‘a kiss is just a kiss.’ Is it thought? I think that there is more than one type of kiss. There is the one that you place upon your child’s forehead, or their cheeks. To me that says ‘I love you and have a good day. Or good night I love and protect you.’

Then there is the kiss when you great someone you know. It might be a kiss on one cheek, or a kiss on each cheek. Sometimes we are not quite sure which side to kiss first and it can be a bit awkward as we dodge from side to side. It’s a greeting we find more and more here yet on the continent it’s not thought about at all and just happens automatically.

Then there is the peck on the lips. It’s a ‘hello dear how are you or goodnight dear’ for the more formal ones amount us.

From here comes the full blown smooch or French kiss. Will it be the one with or without tongues depending on your choice? I often wonder what makes a really good kiss, it’s not the teeth clashing or the awkward way you hold your head not knowing which way your partner is going to go.  Nor is it the amount of slobber your partner insists on giving you with their wet sloppy lips.

It’s the soft gently way the lips part and you finally feel connected with the one you care and love the most.  It’s the kiss that feels the most comfortable and the one you don’t ever want to stop.

How I miss those kisses, the nearest I get these days is the loving lick from the dog as he catches me by surprise and how I jump and say………no tongues dog no tongues and laugh. He just loves me and the kiss he gives me tells me just how much.

Holding, squeezing or grasping hands…….. what do you prefer?

Holding hands is a symbolic gesture of affection and intimacy that is not necessarily romantic? As parents we hold our children’s hands to help them and us feel secure. We may hold friends hands or even those of our siblings. It’s a way of connecting with one another.

On a romantic level the hand holding is such an important part of feeling loved and wanted to me.  Do you clasp each others hands tightly or loosely? Perhaps one hand inside the other? I like mine to be on the inside if it’s smaller, gives me a feeling of security and love.

Maybe you like to entwine fingers with one another; it doesn’t get much tighter than this.
Sitting opposite each other during a meal, one may take the others hand and held gently in a very caring and loving way.

What ever way we hold our loved ones hands, tells the other how we care and feel about them.
Even as a friend holding hands shows you have a connection, there is nothing nicer than going out for a day and holding someone’s hand. It’s something that I miss as much as hugs.

So next time your out with someone you care about, will you hold their hand, will it be a squeeze, tight hold or entwined one?

Me I’ll just carry on holding my sons

The perfect cuddle.

Following last week’s idea of keeping things simple in my life, my mind was set to thinking about what it is I am after and what I really miss. The very thing that popped up was the cuddle.

You can have friends to chat and laugh with. They give you a warm glow as you talk about the day, advise each other and feel good in each other’s company but it is the cuddle I really miss.

I know there are various degrees of cuddles, starting with the Hug. You can have this from anyone. That close squeeze that says, ‘Hi, how are you? I missed you, look after yourself, bye’ I am very grateful for every single one of those squeezes and often they only happen a few times a week if I am very lucky.

Then there is the cuddle on the sofa, the one that says ‘I love being close to you’ even if you don’t like watching the same programs, it seems to make it much better.

The one I miss the most, is the one I noticed on Thursday after the weather changed. After putting the heating on, I realized that I wasn’t going to be warm in bed. The electric blanket is a god send, well at least before you get in bed.

It was 3am that I realized how very cold I was, rolling over the other side of the bed was icy and I had to lie very still, eventually resorting to socks in bed. (Not a good look.)

It was then that I knew that the cuddle I missed most was the in the bed cuddle. The one that wraps itself around you, the one that you can put your cold feet on and it doesn’t mind. The one that holds you very tightly warms you all night and says ‘I love you; I will protect and care for you always.’

So the number one on my list is definitely the man who is wonderfully cuddly. At least then I wouldn’t have to wear socks in bed………..

Keep it simple.

Its amazing how complicated we make our lives. From the every day dashing around to work, to copious amounts of coffee drunk in various coffee houses in one day, to being with or even finding a partner.

I can admit to the first and last, but the coffee I would love to do, in order to find that perfect cup of coffee. Quite likely once I have found said coffee, I wouldn’t want to go anywhere else. I guess its a bit like, find the perfect man, and why look anywhere else.

However , I don’t have that perfect man of yet. It could be that I am too darn fussy, or it could be that said man hasn’t made his presence known. It could also be that he doesn’t really exist, a little bit like understanding Love. Not that I am a cynic or anything, but does love exist or is it something that we think we should have.

Who know,  all I have come to realise that keeping things simple is definitely the best bet.

What is simple to me? Well, not meeting anyone new right now. Getting rid of all dead wood on my phone. Gosh that is so satisfying. Not allowing said dead wood to text me, deleting their numbers is so satisfying.  Texting and chatting to friends only.

How I have come to realise that friends both male and female are so important. its not just the little ‘good morning’ text that makes you happy to wake up, or the ‘good night’ text that says I have thought about you tonight. But its the meeting of said people and realising that they are more Important in your life than you quite likely realise. They hover quietly in the background of your life, help pick up the pieces when you crumble, and laugh and tease you when your spirits need lifting.

These are the special ones in your life…. keep them close, enjoy their company and your life will be happy. This is love at a different level and so very important. Remember that they will and do need you just as much as you need them , even if you don’t realise it yet.

You want what you can’t have and you can’t have what you want.

We do make our lives difficult sometimes, often without realising that we have done it. I know I am my own worst enemy and I find it easy to tumble back into what I already know rather than taking a step back and saying NO, wait for something different to come along.

We like our comfort zones; it’s often better the devil you know, except when it comes the affairs of the heart. These are really not better the devil you know.

If the devil has already hurt you before, the chances are if he comes back on the scene with his tail between his legs its only a matter of time before the cycle will start all over again.

I know this for a fact. So Mr I’ve got two phones and Mr Married man both popped up on my phone. At first I was horrified, and then I dared read the text. Mr I’ve got two phones tried the ‘can we start again, I’m sorry and we could start off by being friends.’ This horrifies me as I know darn well that once a liar is always a liar, once a cheat always a cheat, just takes time to rear its ugly heads once again.

Rather than say no, I’ve just deleted his text. I think he’s got the message now as they have fallen by the way side.

As for Mr Married, he has tried the sympathy vote of wanting friendship, lunch coffee and anything else a friend may or may not offer.

I was almost tempted to say yes as I know how hard it is to deal with things on your own, particularly when someone is very ill. However as I messaged him I found myself writing:- ‘The problem is you want a wife you can love and make love to and have a full relationship with and she cant do that …. I however want a man who is as kind and caring as you, but I can’t have you…’

The answer has to be No. I can’t go through all that uncertainty and upheaval again. So this a good lesson to learn…..

A leopard never changes its spots………. Take it from one who knows.

Recharged, Rebooted… Ready

The week away without anything to connect to the world was blissful. All men were absolutely and totally taboo……… Actually talk about empowered.

Did I flirt?  Well not to my knowledge, although the waiter in the hotel was quite happy to give me glasses of wine on the house, Magic. Did I act on it? No.

Decision having been made before I went that i would completely recharge my batteries worked. I chose books to read that were Thrillers and Crime novels and completely bypassed love and romance.

I rebooted myself, slept to kingdom come, drank wine when I felt like it, sat in the sun and soaked up all the rays that were sent my way.

Now I am ready. I’m going for the new improved me… Desperately hoping that I don’t fall into my old ways.  I am my own worst enemy as well I know. In my eagerness to find a partner I have found that my judgment is continually clouded. If I had been a dog, I would have used my instinct and chances are that I would have made so many silly blunders..

I obviously can’t quite do it the way the dog does, however I can listen to myself. Now watch this space, am I going to fall into old habits or am I going to start a new fresh clean page…… Dear God I do hope I go for the new fresh page….

 

Strike 3 and your out!

themondayclub“>

So last week I had my revenge but not vengeance because that is unsatisfactory and the more you are vengeful the more it eats you away and comes back on you, it completely escalates.

Revenge done, I feel good again and now what is needed is to empower myself and remind myself that a man has to be good enough for me, not okay or he will do for now.

I have spent my life being the ‘partner’ that the other person wanted rather than being myself. This does two things, firstly they always hold the power in the relationship and secondly I am molded to what they want me to be.

I now realise that if another partner is really what i desire then the status quo needs to change in my favour and that power needs to be equal. We are like two trees but rather than entwining a new shoot needs to grow between and that is the relationship, if fed by both sides it will grow straight, if only fed by one side it will veer to that side.  So I’m looking for straight.

Looking at things logically I shall use the baseball approach.

If a man isn’t readily available, ie, either to text or chat, regardless of the time (meetings and sleep discounted) and they take their time IE a day then that’s STRIKE ONE.

If our lives don’t fit together, IE, he doesn’t want to introduce me to anyone, or he doesn’t feel comfortable doing the things i like or meeting my friends then that has to be STRIKE TWO.

IF they start changing any part of me, IE ‘i think you should keep your hair long, or you shouldn’t really eat that, or we should watch or liste to this without me ever choosing then its STRIKE THREE YOUR OUT.

Is it too much to ask they they accept me as me just as I accept them as them. I don’t want someone in my space all the time, i am an individual after all just as they are. I have things i like doing on my own, just as they do and those things shouldn’t stop or change for anyone. Sometimes we may need to jiggle our lives around to accommodate it all.

I’d like clear cut, no nonsense, plain speaking talk. I just want to be me with a few enhancements, good chat, laughter and fun, with a dash of going out and having fun thrown in for good measure. After all we are not all alike, for that would make the world boring, but just a little consideration towards one another is all that is really needed.

And if I cant find anyone quite happy with this sort of thing, they that’s fine, after all, I still have the dog and the blog to chat to.

Deceit is a black cloud I am not sure there is a silver lining.

Well having taking control of my life back and accepting that the affair type relationship wasn’t going to work for me, I have fallen into yet another web of lies and Deceit.. I have decided that i must have mug, or stupid tattooed across my forehead. These men must see me coming a mile away. They home in on me and yet again i am disregarded for being nice and kind like a limp rag being tossed across the floor. I am absolutely amazed as to how much I can take, how much I don’t react and low I feel afterwards.

So Mr he might do right now was just as much as a user as Mr I am almost married. After discovering all the lies and a second mobile phone, I decided rightly or wrongly to take control back and not just protect myself but everyone else that might have been deceived.

Scrolling down the phone book of the offending phone i managed to text every woman on it and talked to several. Giving them the information that i had, what they did with said information was entirely up to them. This was the only revenge I could have.

Its a bitter sweet ending. Yes I felt good, and perhaps I’ve saved a few other women from hurt as i have had inflicted on me. The bitter being that I am on my own yet again, I no longer trust men and I have this sneaky feeling that I am going to be looking for signs the next time i meet a man i might quite like.

Perhaps after all I am better on my own, just looking in on the world, or just having men as companions. There is an awful lot to be said for building a brick wall around the inside and not letting anyone in.

I trust myself, I trust my friends and I trust my family. That today is as far as it goes. I think for tomorrow, I am going to be an observer and see the world from different eyes. Maybe I will change as well……

The only thing for it…. The Dear John TEXT

Well I tried, I really did. I typed it several times on my phone and deleted them as well. Do you know how hard it is to say goodbye in a text, or maybe bugger off is a better way of putting it.

Finally after an agonizing week, and No I avoided seeing him I actually wrote (typed) the text and press send……..

‘Dear M, I am sorry to say that whatever we have is finally over. I cannot do this anymore. I hope you find what you are searching for K’

I sighed the biggest ever sigh and felt oh so much better. I switched my phone off and decided that was quite enough of difficult men and I would pursue ‘Mr might be right for me’. He seems to be kind, caring and interested without dominating or taking over. He holds no more power to the relationship that I do, Mind you I have only seen him a couple of times so it’s hard to tell just right now.

The evening was great, no text messages (on account of the phone being off) the film on the tv was scary horror to which I had the dog for comfort, he’s very good to hide behind and makes no sarcastic comments either.

The next morning to dishearten me but not surprise was a barrage of text starting with ‘oh no why?’ to “How dare you end it like this?” to “what am i going to do now?’ to ‘you’re a complete and utter *****” to which I am not writing. There were more but I am not going to share them all with you. Obviously it went to disbelief, to angry to pity to aggression….. I don’t like any of those and in all honesty all of those questions are ‘NOT MY PROBLEM’

I deleted every single one. So during the day I had a heap more, they had more expletives, more disbelief and a huge spattering of pity.

It absolutely confirmed everything i thought, I didn’t need to be verbally abused, there was absolutely nothing in it for me and to cap it all, i felt happy again.

So the last text to him was ‘I hope you find what you are looking for. It is not me, so do not contact me again…… I will not reply to any more text.’

With that I deleted his name and typed ‘ DO NOT ANSWER ON ANY ACCOUNT’.  I have control once again..

The Last Meeting

I know I would be the weak and feeble woman. I decided to do the decent thing and go for the meeting on neutral grounds so that I could just say what I wanted to say.

I decided that pub was out of the question, I didn’t want a scene in front of anyone, coffee shop would be the same and to be perfectly honest what I didn’t want was to let anyone see me with him any way. If he lost it or I lost it then I would have to explain. The fewer people that knew was fine by me.

I opted for the forest, a car park, others would be around, we could walk, the air would be calm, I would be calm and I could say what I wanted.

I pulled up, in my head I had my speech, I had tried to cover every scenario and felt completely prepared.  I was a strong woman, I was in control of myself. I belonged to me….  How very wrong I was.

So we arrived, got out the car, I greeted him with a mere Hi thinking this would be a bit of a tale tell sign that I really only wanted to talk.   So as we walked slowly I tried to explain how I felt but before I had the chance to say I really don’t want to go on anymore, the tables turned.

He became quiet, and then the flood gates opened and he started to cry. (I can’t cope with men who try to use this cheap trick.) The tears came on with sniffling about how he was getting married because it was his duty, and that he had to full fill this in a matter of weeks and that he had to have someone to turn to in his hours of need.  The whole conversation went to positive to negative in a few short moments and I was no longer in control. Before I knew it I was going along with whatever he said.

Once parted I sat in disbelief, what the devil had I just agreed to. I rubbed my hands over my face and drew breath.. It was going to have to be a Dear John via text.. I would have to tackle next week. I was just too drained to think straight. I need short sharp sentence to just stop and get off this stupid roundabout and take myself back once more.