Web of Deceit

a tale of love, lust, desire and deceit

Predictably let down

Answer me just one question. Why is that the partner you want more than anything to acknowledge you lets you down? you know its going to happen, you can watch it unfold yet right to the last moment in time you think they are going to be there, then they let you down…….

 

So over the last few weeks I have been let down time after time. The first time, I was let down because the child was more important. Not his child, the child he sees as his own which has no blood ties.

Ok I get it, a ten year old boy is more important than I am. Well in his eyes. I am a grown up and I let that pass. I know that the time with a child is precious and you cant get it back. However when you are building a relationship you have to juggle your time. You are in danger if you push out too often that the person you think is your partner will disappear.

So the second weekend I am blown out for the same reason. Ok this time I think it must have something to do with me.

However the third weekend in a row it happens again. Now I am less than impressed. I have a big concert, he said he would be there, I have bought the ticket, the afternoon of the concert it doesn’t get mentioned. At this point I am passed caring, I give back the ticket as I know that they are gold dust and someone else would gladly like it.

The rehearsals happen, the phone call takes place, I explain I am at a concert, just had rehearsals and we are due to start shortly. ‘I didn’t know’ is the answer, at this point i explain not only have i mentioned almost every day, I have also written it on his calendar. I think as a mother you would call it selective hearing.

I am less that impressed. will i invite again, its highly unlikely. Will the relationship go forward, at this point of time I doubt it. Not only does he let down me down, he also is unable to hear me. These are two things that are kind of important. So I guess that although this relationship could have had feet, it could have moved forward the chances are he’s dug his own hole and hes buried himself in it.

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Does it have feet?

Having had several months now to feel comfortable in my own skin, and to take on board there might be another person in my life. I find myself asking myself the question ‘Does this have feet?”  At this moment in time you are either laughing or feeling somewhat puzzled. Of course people have feet.

I have two which is the normal quota, however I am not asking this of my own feet or in fact anyone else.

The question poses “Does this new ‘relationship’ have feet?”  Now that is a strange question to ask, the one thing I am trying to fathom out is ‘is this relationship going to go anywhere?’ Hence the feet, for without them your rather static. (I know there are other ways of moving, its just the feet are the most obvious one.)

The answer is “I DON’T KNOW”. its not that I want to know, its just that most relationships leave me knowing instantly. This time it doesn’t  I really don’t have a clue.

Often after a few dates you have a pretty good idea about compatibility. Sometimes the oddest things make you compatible. I have to say this one, we are very opposite. Loud, quiet, intense, light, stressed, laid back, and so the list goes on. I have found that its very Yin Yan. It is also having surprising affects on myself. I have noticed I am becoming  more laid back, lighter and perhaps a little quieter. Thinking more and actually doing and saying what I want rather than what someone else wants me to do or to say.

I have been wondering what we have in common, the answer keeps coming up the same. ‘we are human’. Odd I know. Yet there is something quite nice about not having much in common and that compatibility is quite thin on the ground.

 

I have found myself doing more things that I would never have tried before.  There seems to be a huge amount of trust and for me that’s the ‘biggie’.  I find myself being more chilled out, going with the flow and not worried about anything being set in concrete. It really is quite an uplifting and refreshing way of seeing life.

Do I like it? Yes I do, I think its more me,  no constraints, no expectations, no focus and no agenda. My goodness have I waited all these years to be ME with another person?   I can honestly say. I’m loving it, and may it last as long as it wants to.

 

A little bit wary.

So, the thought of entering into something new is very scary. Its also had to know how much you give away of yourself. When you meet someone you quite like, you just show a small amount of yourself, and they do the same. As time goes by little by little you are brave enough to show a little more, however you always hold a little back. Not wanting to give all of yourself away.

You want to show the other person the best, as much and for as long as possible. My goodness they do the same, then slowly they show their insecurities, and you realise that you are not so dissimilar. Its a bit like being on a see-saw. Each time they go down, you balance it out by being buoyant and being up. When you go down and feel low, they balance you by giving you the time and support you need.

I knew I didn’t need anyone in my life particularly, however having someone around to enjoy the up moments and help shoulder the not such up moments is a nice thing to happen.

I don’t ever want to be completely reliant on another person again. Having had my fingers burnt badly, I know I am the best person to rely on. I like being with someone, and I like them. The ‘L’ word is the scary wary word. I am not sure I really want to use that with another person, unless its platonic Love.

So I am a little bit wary and cautious, I realise I need to give myself a wide berth, chill out and stay laid back. I have to think about myself and someone else. You have to factor them in to sometimes what is a daily routine. There is one problem I do find, that I really am not good at all in sharing the remote control. I am still at that point which goes ‘whats mine is me own.’

Perhaps I will learn to share the remote, get used to Mathematical and Astronomy programs, or maybe just occasionally I can factor in a good murder or thriller. That I will have to wait and see……..

What the fuck am I doing?

Not one to be over taken by swearing I should have just written WTF………  I know you all would have got that, however at the end of the day by actually using the ‘f’ word I already feel better.

I’m on that ever decreasing circle spiraling downwards wondering what the devil I’m doing yet again.

I was chatting to a young friend who is having yet more boyfriend problems. She does remind me of myself which is not such good news.

She told me that her latest beau has stopped  ‘rating’ her.. I had to ask for an explanation, apparently it means that he doesn’t respect what she does and doesn’t support. for example she has started writing rap. At first he read it and supported her, but now just ignores her.  nshe said she didn’t feel worthy. He wouldn’t kiss or show any affection. I could hear myself telling her to ditch him, she can do better than that.

Where does that bring me?? back to square one. I am fast finding out that my creativity of writing seems to make men feel not at ease. They seem to be in competition with me. I find I know longer want to share anything with anyone on account of someone ‘dissing’ me. Stupid I know, I wanted approval yet most men seem to see me and this as a threat. So my question to you guys out there is  ‘what the fuck am i doing wrong?’

Tolerance R US

I have thought about the One popping up on the scene. The excitement of having someone to go out with, go places with, discover new things and have adventures with is, has taken my thoughts by suprise this week.

How I miss having someone to have discussions with even if I don’t agree with them. I love the banter going backwards and forwards, knowing its really light hearted and neither one of you is going to be offended.

I miss that curling up on the sofa of a Sunday evening, when your too tired to move or make conversation and you just watch rubbishy television. Most of all I miss going on holiday with a like minded partner, not knowing where you are going but allowing spontaneity to happen, adventure to take over and discoveries to be achieved.

I get quite thoughtful as I imagine ‘The One’ coming along and helping me fulfill these things. Then the great big gong hits me, smack on the back of my head and I become quite overcome by panic.

Why, tolerance. Plain and simple. Can I actually tolerate someone in my life? Do I want to share the remote control, after all I like crappy dramas, American drivel and films that are soppy. Do I want to watch, nature programs,football and anything which may lead to me being educated?

Dilemma, then there is the banter, will it be light hearted or have I become opinionated? Could I accept anyone else’s point of view, and do I actually want to know it. Finally do I want to go away with anyone. I rather like lazy days, wine and the beach coupled with my kobo reader full of chick lit books and thrillers. Do I want to chat to someone about some architecturally  interesting building, or seeing  a view with someone nattering in my ear.

Ohhh I can see I am going to have to work on my tolerance. To try and work on not allowing people to annoy with their ways and their points of view. After all, having a partner means I need to accept them for who they are, allow them the space to be themselves, and when they are with me that we both adapt to one another. After all , he will have to tolerate me too….

Unconditional Love

It’s that all important word coupled with a word that people find hard to do. Love as we are told any fool can do. The unconditional bit is what is hard. Everyone seems to have some sort of agenda, ‘I will love you if….’  Or ‘you wouldn’t do that if you loved me’ these are all conditions to love.

If we step back slightly and take ourselves back to children they have the love that we are desired and look for. Whatever happens with a child they love you. They don’t question this love or demand it, they just love.

As to a pets love, well it’s the same sort of thing. No matter how much we are cross with our pet, annoyed or frustrated, they still absolutely adore and love you. It’s unconditional.

So why must we lay conditions to a partner. I am sure that we all do it at one point or another. Whether its in a disagreement, or trying to get our own way. We will use the joker card of ‘love’ in order to get what we want.

What would happen if we took the joker card away and said no more conditions? Could you love someone like that?

I can and I know I do have this capacity. How? Well I now have no agenda and no pre conceived ideas as to how I want my ‘love’ to be.  I know I want a man who is mobile, a job and a place to live however that is the same footings as me.  Other than that, I just want someone to be with, to be themselves and not be worried about awkward silences or where the relationship is going.

Then there is this feeling of I like you, I really like you, in fact I love you. I love being with you, I love your very essence and I just love you being you.     It’s unconditional and very simple… Love

The one……..Step right here

So the new year has arrived waving huge promises at as all. We laugh, smile and hug ourselves as we tell ourselves time for new resolutions and changes in our lives.

I have decided that new resolutions are not a good idea, they are so very easy to break and as I am easily lead astray I think I will have goals this year to aim towards and achieve.

Near the top of the list but not the first is the New Man goal. I know what I am looking for, however I am not searching for him or in need of him. I will be mighty glad when he has finally found me, or I him.

Having read an article in the news about Love and relationships this week, they said  in order for find ‘The One’ you first need to go through two marriages (tick) and two broken hearts (definite tick). Having mastered both criteria  I can now say that I am ready for ‘The One’. I just hope that he comes in the packaging that I am wanting, has an interesting brain ( no I wont be dissecting it) can drive a car (I don’t want to do all the driving), has a job ( I don’t mind what) and has some money to treat me sometimes. (well I don’t want it to become a habit, however it would be nice!)

So Mr ‘The One’ step right here because I am subconsciously looking for you, however you might need to trip me up or plant a big kiss on my cheek, as I am not looking for you I might miss you…………

Inner Turmoil

This week has been a bit of a foggy week. Not just weather wise but in my head as well. The end of the year is fast approaching, I am trying to sort out my dead wood, and just keep with me the people I feel close to. It’s not an easy decision at the best of times.

We all have cobwebs and skeletons we try and bury and ignore, however this week mine are popping to the surface and I am trying to take them head on.  I don’t always find it easy to make decisions, I tend to allow them the do it for themselves, however I am well aware that I have to take the bull by the horns if I want change to be good and successful.

We strive to do things and have things that make our lives worthwhile and real. I have a real pull inside of turmoil and confusion this week. I am trying to make sense of things and also trying not to force them either but allow my subconscious to take over. Not very easy when I am used to controlling my conscious. It’s made me fuzzy in my head and I seem to spend a lot of time questioning myself.

I have spoken to several people this week who reassure me that it’s a good place to be in, it gives me the chance to digest all that is happening and make better decisions. We seem to want to control all aspects of our life, how we present ourselves to others, how we cling on to relationships that don’t really work, how we leave this life.

So Turmoil or no turmoil it might not be spring but the clean has started, and to those who disappear from my life, it’s not that I don’t want you any more, it’s just you don’t need me just as I don’t need you any longer.

Out with the old and in with the new.

There are just 19 days left this year. As I reflect on loves and losses I am at that placid state of disbelief that I have been a little too needy this year.  I seemed to have attracted the less appreciative men from this land.

They themselves have been needy and I am wondering if this is what has drawn me to them.

It’s a bit like being happy, if you are happy, people are drawn to you, if your miserable well the miserable are at that side. It’s like a reinforcement of your own state of mind.

So what do I take from this as the calendar flips over? Well

Number one  -n on my list is to be happy and draw the right people into my space.

Number two – find a partner who is happy too.

Number three – enjoy every moment with that person, not matter how little I see them.

Number four get rid of the dead wood – I mean those people who pop up on your phone who just text.

Number five – just keep friends – if they don’t ring or see me, then they don’t really care and they are not really a friend just someone I know.

Number six – live life. See if being positive makes a difference.

 

And just so that you all know, in my little blue book (NO NOT BLACK) I have written down exactly whom I would like it would be nice to come back in a year and see if I achieved that, or is it going to take just a little bit longer.

Affection for perfection

There is that gentle fondness that consumes us that we call affection, it runs very high in our needs and wants from a partner. It is something that if it isn’t there, then a relationship is most likely to fail.

It’s the little things like, ‘how are you?’ kind words when you’ve had a bad day, or being able to ring or text and say them back. There is that wanting to return affection not just to receive it.

There is that physical part that follows, holding hands, being hugged tightly, kissed not just on the lips but head or hands as a gesture of love and affection.

What is most important is that feeling of love, being able to say it opening, without any awkward moments, but also being told it too. Not just as an automatic response but with feeling and gestures.

So the man who thought that he wanted to be close and be my partner I’m not sorry to tell you but ‘it aint going nowhere’ as I use a good friends phrase and this is why:-

Your lack of affection just shows me that you are just going through the motions because it might be something I want to hear and it is not really how you feel. In all honestly you don’t mean those words you say, and now as I realise this, my goodness me I finally feel liberated.